Cross Country

Hey everybody, this lady came all the way from Chicago to see me (and everyone else in her family who all live here)! And she flew with the worlds most active toddler and new baby....can someone get her a cold beverage and place to put her feet up? My hero.

Don't be fooled by this picture though. Chicago is only this nice for about 2 weeks a year. You're either fighting to stay alive and not lose any appendages to frost bite or dying of heat exhaustion and the eventual consuming of your remains by mosquitos.

You should got visit!

Bite Me

It seems that I incurred the wrath of the animal kingdom this week. Why? I watch Life. I appreciate and fear all things animal - especially Hippos because did you know they are actually really dangerous and want to kill you? Yeah.

We were over at a friends house Monday night and his kitty, if you can call the killer that, decided to deceive me by being all lovable and soft and then after a few minutes decided that I was now prey and began to bite me. And as I watched she did it to everyone else. Including our friend who feeds and houses it - which now explains the scars all over his hands. What? Isn't there a cat whisperer somewhere who can help?

Then on Tuesday I went to another friends house to plan a baby shower and their puppy was so excited to see me that it piddled all over the floor. Once again it was so loving and cuddly and then the switch happened. It began to naw on me and when I made her stop she turned to chewing my shoes with my feet still in inside. What? And when that was stopped she began chewing on my gorgeous grey sweater coat. Not OK. But what are you supposed to do? You are at someone's house being attacked by their animal, it's not like you can kick it.

Or can you?

You may think its cute that your dog is chewing on my sweater and has destroyed your pillows and defecated on the floor but I just go into terminator mode in my head and through my eyes I see the target in night vision and begin to seek and destroy. If your animal can't behave itself when company comes over then put it in a different room. Unless you don't want anyone to come over anymore and voila! As you wish.

And to make matters worse Ricky waited until the next day to notify me that "cat scratch fever" is actually a really serious disease that you can catch. And to think all these years I just thought Ted Nugent was really creative - which he still is. Hello, he's Ted Nugent.

Adieu

Well.........

We are off to St. Lucia!!!

And no, we had our tickets BEFORE the bachelor aired. Gross.

My vitamin D quotient is about to get off the hook!

Yeee-OWWWW

Tonight I payed someone to humiliate me.

And it was painful - literally.

I got sugared. Not sure what that is? Click here.

I've been waxed before and every time I had something on, mine or theirs. So this time I had something on and she came in and said..."no honey, nothing from the waist down".

O-kay.

Oh the lights. The lights illuminating everything.

All in the name of this:

It was so bad I needed my favorite thai noodles to restore my soul a little bit. It barely helped.

And no, I don't think I will ever get used to it. I like to keep to myself.

Yup.

I did some embarrassing things today.

At a place full of other people.

I was at a marketing conference for work at the local posh sports club/events center downtown. I was there to get a little experience and meet some people.

Long story short I flung my dirty lunch knife into my purse on the floor without knowing because I was too busy stuffing my starving face. I didn't figure it out until the guy it narrowly missed sitting next to me retrieved it and put it back on the table next to me. I like to keep our sponsors on their toes - or maybe cut off their toes.

And the next one was bad. I had been having a little.....gas. And I had been releasing it in small quantities quietly sitting by myself in the back. No harm, no foul. It was like Iocane powder - odorless, tasteless and dissolved instantly. Anyway, 15 min before the close of the conference it happened. You guessed it. It was audible. Short and loud. And there was no one sitting next to me. Only the people around me heard and I totally tried to play it off like it wasn't me. I actually made a big deal of making a really offended face like it was someone by me and I was grossed out. Whatever, they knew. They all knew.

Mortified.