I looked out the window....

And what did I see?

Gross.  Back to bed.

It's not a purse, it's a European!

I was reading my Nylon magazine the other day when I came across the beauty section which I devoured as usual until I saw a new mascara.  The caption underneath it said that it was a formula that had been available in Europe for a while before we got it here stateside.  

Does this irk anyone besides me?  I'm so sick of hearing about products the ever-developed Europeans have had for years that we are just getting around to trying out.  You know, it's not really the Europeans I blame per-say but the Americans who have decided that everything has to be tested and approved before being applied to our delicate epidermis.  I want to test things out!  I want to have the choice about putting controversial wrinkle creams on my skin or not!  It is no wonder that the general public in Europe up until about 45 look fantastic.  You would almost never know if you didn't have to kiss them on each check that they all chain-smoked and drank gallons of liqueur everything month, maybe even every week....shout-out to the Spain cousins!  

And you know how they get away with this lifestyle of decadence and cheese?  They can smear or inject whatever they want on themselves.  Lucky S.O.B's.  What a life.  What a free-wheeling, bathing suits optional, get up  late, go to bed late, buy fresh baguettes everyday, ride the most organized public transportation I have ever seen, society.  And yes, after all their enlightenment and small cars they still let anyone put unidentified wax on their legs to rip the hair out.  And you want to know why?  Because it works.  They wouldn't use it if it didn't.  Who cares if you develop uneven pigment spots on your legs 15 years later.  By that time someone you know has died and you have to wear black for the rest of your life in mourning so the nylons just cover it up anyway.

If this is what Socialism gets you then sign me up.  Free botox for everyone!

Where you at?

PANIC.  My style icon was in Utah this weekend and I didn't even know it?  I hate when my invites get stuck somewhere in the mail.  And wait, wait.  I didn't see this at first but it's a good thing I caught it and added it in.  Guess who else was in Utah over the weekend?  You'll never guess.  It was Speidi!!  That's right, the flesh-colored beard itself was hitting the slopes!  And don't forget to scroll down and see 50 more pictures of the happy couple...in case you didn't have enough of their terrible faces in the first 5 pictures.  And ha, ha Speidi.  Jokes on you.  Everyone in Utah knows that snow is fake because it hasn't snowed at all until today.  WAA-HA-HA!

But it's cool.  I joined my own pop group this weekend by turning myself into ginger spice and making some gingerlicious cookies.  I started with little men (the snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off):

And then moved on to birds:

Wo!  We got a skuwampus tail on the upper right one.  Special shout-out to cousin A who actually made the bird cookie cutters herself with copper strips.  I just love the holidays, don't you?  And in honor of my novio I would love to wish you all a Merry Cheistmas (that's how he spells it)!  

Get in the car loser, we're going shopping

I have a confession to make.  I had a little Regina George moment last night.  It was almost as if I had eaten a Kalteen bar and then discovered my protege had thrown an intimate party with enough cheese and crackers for 8 people that turned into a blow-out that I was not invited to.  A friend of my recently purchased a very nice article that I myself would love to have in my closet.  When I saw the picture all I could say was a very loud and high-pitched "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" And then "noooooooooooooooooooooo" some more.  And then that's when Regina popped into my head, "I practically invented her, you know?"  Only I didn't - and I didn't actually say that....out loud.  But I might have put it in the burn book if I had one.  I whined and moaned and complained for a good 10 min. before I calmed down enough to think rationally.  I thought, Juicy Couture?  You can have it.  Dooney and Bourke?  Take it.  You might even be able to have some of my friend Michael Kors if you wanted it.  But L.A.M.B.?  That's my thing.  It's MY thing.  I felt very territorial for some reason.  Taradise, you know I'm talking about you and in penitence for my egregious selfishness I must come clean and confess.  So this is me standing on the stage in the auditorium about to give my speech before I turn around and trust fall into the crowd.  

Ahem.....So I know that at first I was upset and little incensed that you stepped on my 'territory' by acquiring a lovely bad that really will look good slung over your shoulder but I have had a change of heart.  Taradise, I'm the tard here.  You've been nothin' but super-duper nice to me ever since I got here and far be it for me to begrudge you a whopper of a handbag.  You too deserve nice things and I am happy for you.  It's a big day when a girl gets her first really nice handbag and especially a L.A.M.B. bag.  At least you probably thought of me when you got it (I hope so anyway).  So congratulations on your big day and look out for your candy gram in the mail.  And just know, you are a partial spring-fling queen too.  

Sincerely, Me  

Death of a salesman/woman

So the other day Ricky and I headed to down to our reputable jewelry store to pick up my wedding band and look for a ring for him.  The store is a Provo landmark and the owners happen to be friends of the folks.  With much anticipation from my end we entered the store and asked for my wedding band that had been payed for a month before.  30 min later we were still waiting for the band that had been payed for a month ago.  Our concierge for the day was searching high and low for my coveted diamonds and still had nothing.  Receipts?  Check.  Log of where it was supposed to be?  Check.  The only thing we couldn't actually check was the ring.  And as he searched high and low for the missing band we had another peculiar experience; watching one of the worst customer service episodes ever.  

There was another couple in the store whom we shall refer to as husband and wife.  Wife was in the back of the store (which is really just a half-wall so you can hear EVERYTHING) speaking to the goldsmith in Spanish explaining exactly what needed to be fixed on the ring.  In the meantime Husband approached Ricky and asks if he is purchasing a ring from the store to which Ricky replied yes.  Then husband says all hushed and KGB-ish, "don't buy anything here.  Seriously man, do NOT buy anything here" and then moves on to keep his toddler out of the precious gem stones.  Ricky and I gave each other a look that was something between wow you are a bit over-dramatic and yikes, something bad must have happened.  

Then Wife and the saleswoman who was helping here, who we shall call Lady, came out from the half wall and took their places at the register.  I might mention that Lady is actually the mother of a school friend of mine and many of my siblings.  Lady proceeds to ask them questions about their ring maintenance and husband seems a little annoyed by the whole scene.  Lady then asks all sorts of questions she doesn't really care about to sweet talk them,  "So, you are moving soon?  Oh!  Law school will be nice.  Did you graduate from BYU? etc, etc".  Wife speaks most of the time while Husband chases after the toddler who likes to overturn stools..."thump, thump"," Stop it, thats enough!",  "Footsteps, footsteps, thump, thump...", "Thats enough!!"  Couple leaves, end of story.

Only it wasn't.  Lady heads back to the half-wall and proceeds to speak terribly about them and how husband is one of the rudest people and how she just killed them with kindness, blah blah.  Suddenly Wife comes back in with a question about the receipt which Lady answers and then Lady leans over the counter for a little heart-to-heart with Wife.  "So" starts Lady, "is your husband upset about something that happened here or is he generally angry?".  To which Wife explains that he is in law school and doesn't like to feel like he's being taken advantage of.  "Well, I want you to tell him" she continues, "that he is the WORST customer I have EVER had, and you have been the best". 

Aghast.  I was completely aghast.  No, no Lady.  No. No.  You NEVER talk to a customer like that.  At that point Ricky and I found ourselves taking bets on if he was going to storm through the door at any minute after Wife told him what had been said.  I never.....   I really could not believe that she had the audacity to say that to her.  And I can't believe the sweet wife didn't say anything back like, "well you are the rudest Lady I've ever had B.S. me before".  

And all this time I was STILL waiting for my band - which they never found BTW.  So I used that time to try and fanagle some free diamonds for my loss.  It didn't exactly work except I got a screaming deal on a replacement, that is if I want it.  They are ordering the other ring too so I can compare.  

Now I'm not saying don't go there if you have figured out where it was, just watch the Lady and the black holes in the back-room.